[meteorite-list] [Fwd: Humor for the irreverent among us]

From: J. Hirschmann <joachim_at_meteoritecentral.com>
Date: Thu Apr 22 10:02:24 2004
Message-ID: <3C81473B.99B4D727_at_hirschmann.net>

Love it, too. But where to send the results.......

joachim

"meteorite1.net" schrieb:

> I love it!
>
> Jim
>
> Ps. & I bet he does too
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Walter Sullivan" <wsulliva_at_ix.netcom.com>
> To: <SNvMensa_at_yahoogroups.com>; <meteorite-list@meteoritecentral.com>;
> <appletonlv_at_juno.com>; "Bob Seiler" <gumbybob@lvcm.com>;
> <Davesplumbing2_at_aol.com>; <EMillernv@aol.com>; "Gayle Schreiber"
> <gayle_at_netnevada.net>; "Intertel" <top1@lists.io.com>; "Judy Jetter"
> <judyjetter_at_earthlink.net>; <Lannyboy43@aol.com>; "Reuel" <Turki2@aol.com>;
> "will cavanaugh" <whc_at_LVCM.COM>
> Sent: Saturday, March 02, 2002 1:55 PM
> Subject: [meteorite-list] [Fwd: Humor for the irreverent among us]
>
> >
> >
> > Subject: Humor for the irreverent among us.
> >
> > If God is all-knowing and all-perfect, he must have a
> > sense of humor and therefore shouldn't mind our
> > laughing at this. . .
> >
> > GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
> >
> > God would like to thank you for your belief and
> > patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He
> > asks that you take a few moments to answer the
> > following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses
> > will be kept completely confidential, and that you
> > need not disclose your name or address unless you
> > prefer a direct response to comments or
> > suggestions.
> >
> > 1. How did you find out about God?
> >
> > ___ Newspaper
> >
> > ___ Bible
> >
> > ___ Torah
> >
> > ___ Book of Mormon
> >
> > ___ Koran
> >
> > ___ Other Book
> >
> > ___ Television
> >
> > ___ Divine Inspiration
> >
> > ___ Word of mouth
> >
> > ___ Dead Sea scrolls
> >
> > ___ My mama done tol' me
> >
> > ___ Near Death Experience
> >
> > ___ Near-life experience
> >
> > ___ National Public Radio=0D
> >
> > ___ Tabloid=0D
> >
> > ___ Burning Shrubbery=0D
> >
> > ___ Who?
> >
> > ___ Other (specify): ______________
> >
> >
> > 2. Which model God did you acquire?=0D
> >
> > ___ Yahweh
> >
> > ___ Jehovah
> >
> > ___ Allah
> >
> > ___ Just plain God
> >
> > ___ Krishna
> >
> > ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
> >
> > ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
> >
> > ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
> >
> > ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
> >
> > ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
> >
> > 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
> > in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
> >
> > __ Yes __ No
> >
> > If not, please describe the problems you initially
> > encountered here.
> >
> > Please indicate all that apply:
> >
> > ___ Not eternal
> >
> > ___ Not omniscient
> >
> > ___ Not omnipotent
> >
> > ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
> > entire universe
> >
> > ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
> >
> > ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
> >
> > ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
> >
> > ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
> >
> > ___ Requires burnt offerings
> >
> > ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
> >
> > ___ Plays dice with the universe
> >
> > 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
> > acquire a God?
> > Please check all that apply.
> >
> > ___ Indoctrinated by parents
> >
> > ___ Needed a reason to live
> >
> > ___ Indoctrinated by society
> >
> > ___ Needed target for rage
> >
> > ___ Imaginary friend grew up
> >
> > ___ Hate to think for self
> >
> > ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
> >
> > ___ Fear of death
> >
> > ___ To piss off parents
> >
> > ___ Needed a day away from work
> >
> > ___ Enjoy organ music
> >
> > ___ Needed focus on whom to despise
> >
> > ___ Needed to feel morally superior
> >
> > ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
> >
> > ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
> >
> > 5. Are you currently using any other source of
> > inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
> >
> > __ Self-help books
> >
> > __ Tarot, Astrology
> >
> > __ Star Trek re-runs
> >
> > __ Fortune cookies
> >
> > __ Ann Landers
> >
> > __ Psychic Friends Network
> >
> > __ Dianetics
> >
> > __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
> >
> > __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
> >
> > __ Biorhythms
> >
> > __ EST
> >
> > __ Television
> >
> > __ Mantras
> >
> > __ Jimmy Swaggart
> >
> > __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
> >
> > __ Human Sacrifice
> >
> > __ Wandering around in desert
> >
> > __ Burning shrubbery
> >
> > __ Other:_____________________
> >
> > 6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so,
> > which false God
> > were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
> >
> > ___ Odin
> >
> > ___ Cthulhu
> >
> > ___ Lottery
> >
> > ___ Baal
> >
> > ___ Beelzebub
> >
> > ___ The Almighty Dollar
> >
> > ___ The Conservative Right
> >
> > ___ Mick Jagger
> >
> > ___ Bill Gates
> >
> > ___ The Great Pumpkin
> >
> > ___ Ronald Reagan
> >
> > ___ A burning cabbage
> >
> > ___ mushrooms
> >
> > ___ Other: ________________
> >
> > 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine
> > Intervention to preserve the
> > balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which
> > would you prefer
> >
> > (circle one)
> >
> > a. More Divine Intervention
> >
> > b. Less Divine Intervention
> >
> > c. Current level of Divine In! tervention is just
> > right
> >
> > d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
> >
> > 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
> > disasters and
> > miracles.
> >
> > Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
> > following:
> >
> > (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
> >
> > Disaster:
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 flood
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 famine
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 war
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 plague
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
> >
> > Miracles:
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the
> > President
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
> >
> > 9. Please ! rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
> > (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
> >
> > 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
> > for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
> > sheet(s) if necessary.)
> >
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________________
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> > Meteorite-list_at_meteoritecentral.com
> > http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/meteorite-list
> >
>
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Received on Sat 02 Mar 2002 04:42:20 PM PST