[meteorite-list] Ancient Comet Wipes Out Earliest American Settlers

From: Darren Garrison <cynapse_at_meteoritecentral.com>
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:05:33 -0400
Message-ID: <mg3s74548rjjltjemb10p8ojnm3k5dv1ei_at_4ax.com>

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i38231

In their latest findings, researchers Richard Bridgestone and Allen East say
that they have found compelling evidence of a Native American culture predating
the Clovis people, who were long thought to be North America's first colonists.
The evidence stems from their earlier research into a comet believed to have
struck the Earth over Canada some 13,000 years ago.

Recent discoveries of gold, silver, and diamonds as far south as Ohio and
Indiana that were found to have been of Canadian origin are, Bridgestone and
East suggest, likely debris ejected by a comet of up to 3 kilometers (1.86
miles) in diameter that exploded over the Canadian wilderness with the force of
thousands of nuclear bombs, bringing the Ice Age to an end.

"It was like boom! Boom! Badda-boom-boom-boom! Boom!" Bridgestone was quoted
saying recently, flailing his hands theatrically.

But calculations soon proved it unlikely that such a concentration of gold,
silver, and diamonds as would be necessary for the traces found throughout the
northern United States was unlikely to have occurred naturally. Bridgestone and
East now suggest that the precious metals and gemstones were gathered by a
thriving, previously unknown Native American cultural group that venerated them.

"We call them the Basal Laurentide Indigenous Native Group, or BLING, for
short," Bridgestone said. "We believe that they mined gold, silver, diamonds,
you name it from all around the continent, and wore it as rings, bracelets, and
necklaces, in piercings- possibly even used gold for false teeth. So much gold
that they must have been weighed down by it. The reasons the BLING culture did
this are unclear, but they may have included religious symbolism, signals of
cultural status, and attempts to obtain the most and best sexual partners."

"What we do know," Bridgestone continued- "is that when the comet struck, it hit
the heart of BLING territory- and that the gold, diamonds and silver that were
spread for a radius of hundreds to thousands of miles amidst the meteorite dust
is all that was left of the unfortunate Blings after their organic remains were
instantly incinerated."

As to the age and origin of the BLING culture, Bridgestone and East are less
confident- though East suggests an African origin. "After all," said East, "look
at all those big honking elephants that used to run all over the US! And lions!
Can you imagine seeing a freaking lion in your yard
?" he trailed off, with a
distant look in his eyes.
Received on Wed 16 Jul 2008 11:05:33 AM PDT